the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
