The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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