There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm just crazy horny about you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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