dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
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grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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