Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
