Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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