At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
