I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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