From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
