Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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