My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
