OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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