my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
