bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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