I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
