if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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