I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
