I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
PANTIES FOUND
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