Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
