Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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