why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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