mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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