He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't put those talents on a resume
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
