Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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