I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is the high leading the old right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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