good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
