You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
