remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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