took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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