Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There r osticjed everywhere
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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