An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize