I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
