I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
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Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
