He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on