nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.