She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i think i just lost a toe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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