She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
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Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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