My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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