and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
