im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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