i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
