Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
