Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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