I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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