today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
