The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
