I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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