I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
do herpes really smell.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
