Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize