If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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