So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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