we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he thought i was a dude.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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