So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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