i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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