my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
