My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
