Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
