Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.