theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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