my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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