So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
