just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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